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Storm Brian battered Britain this weekend. I didn’t think Brian’s were capable of such fury, but it proves the Met Office are trying to con us into thinking that deadly storms are our benevolent friends.
The latest email scam is breathtakingly stupid, but still serves as a warning to read things carefully.
What do you do when you’re flush with money from the sale of four ebooks (total royalties earned £5.12) and you’ve just finished the sixth novel of the TotenUniverse? You write a blog post.
My totenherzen.com domain name was transferred to GoDaddy last year. I did it to avoid WordPress locking it into a premium upgrade when it was time to renew. Didn’t stop them putting a dirty grey filter screen over the blog though when the ‘remapping’ expired. Cheeky bastards.
Four comments waiting in my shit filter inbox on WordPress, and being the lonely sort I was so over the moon I had to share it with you all.
I must be bored because I’m about to write a post in response to another bit of spam. This time the spammer was moved to write after reading the post about Subbuteo, so I’m guessing this penniless nut is around about my age. Here’s the unwanted cack in full with some interventions:
This is what happens when you impose a moratorium on yourself. You end up sitting in a garden centre cafe with a laptop and nothing to write. I’ve just been making a list of things to do if I decide to extend the moratorium beyond twelve months. Give it up completely.
Untold riches await those who manage to get their book listed ‘perma-free’ on Amazon. But how does anyone find out?
I read news articles about AI threatening humanity and how we’ll all be eaten by robots and I scoff. I wasn’t not scoffing when that same AI came along and took a bite out of my arse.
One thing I don’t like is reading jokes. Gags on paper are never funny for me. Comedy literature is different, but reading ‘this fella went into a bar…’ never raises a smile. But I’m going to ignore my own rule with this post because there’s no other way of telling you the zombie joke. And … More Am I The Only One Who Thinks The Zombie Joke Is Funny?
They nip, bite, sting, burrow into the flesh, occupy our intestines and eat eyeballs. They spread diseases and those that don’t spread diseases carry the bacteria and viruses that do spread diseases. In short, they are an unecessary evolutionary sick joke. They weren’t created by a Creator, they were created by the Creator’s morbid teenage … More Who On Earth Thought Insects Were a Good Idea?
Airfix isn’t the only company that makes construction kits, but like Hoover and Biro, the name means the same thing. Before robots took over the world Airfix kits were the go-to hobby for millions of kids. You could build anything with an Airfix kit (although a lot of the stuff I’ll describe in this post … More Airfix
When writing a blog you need a constant source of ideas and subjects to discuss, and at the moment I’m bone dry when it comes to things to cover. But the irony is I have a list of things I don’t want to write about. The reasons range from being beheaded to being insulted and … More Subjects to Avoid
There was a time when I was a Kindlecrite (Kindle Hypocrite). Criticising Amazon’s e-book reading system whilst selling my books on the platform. In the end, moral pressure became too much and I pulled my books off Amazon. If I relied on the income I’d be a dead man by now. Tail between the legs … More Kindlecrites
I’ve learned that keywords for books uploaded to Kindle don’t have to be single words, the phrases vampire mystery, paranormal suspense would be counted as two keywords by the system if they’re separated by a comma, so with this in mind I’ve set about changing my keywords. I’ve also been using a technique which involves … More What Is Going On At The Kindle Store?
Here’s a world exclusive for you. You have no idea how lucky you are to witness this, but I’m going to share with you an image from the latest Toten Herzen photoshoot. And if you’re wondering, yes it is watermarked, so don’t go nicking it for your own blogs, bedroom posters etc.
Looking back on 2015 I think the one word that best sums up my writing career would be underwhelming. Sales figures could be counted on the fingers of one hand, and not necessarily a healthy hand at that. But part of this could be down the fact that I did virtually no promotion. Well, what … More 2016 Forecast and the Art of Aiming High
Remember last year when I wrote about buying second hand cars and how to avoid the bad ones? Earlier this year I found a car after a twelve month search. And it still turned out to be a bad one. You wonder sometimes if inanimate objects have a hex placed on them, but the Renault … More What To Do When Your Car Is Cursed
And by that I mean night time dreams, not ambitions. Dreams are one of the most disturbing and fascinating aspects of consciousness and awareness, and I might go so far as to say they are a form of alternative existence. What do I mean by that? Let me tell you a story. When I was … More Do You Dream?
I’ve done this twice before and on both occasions been overwhelmed by the lack of response. All authors need help, a word in the internet’s ear and I don’t like taking without giving. In the past I have laid down a few rules, the intention being to give authors who write ‘outside the box’ a … More Yet Another Author Invite
Inspired by a recent article on Matthew Wright’s blog (‘Why All Who Write Should Think of Themselves as Writers. Period’) I started to think again about advice in the literary world. Advice in the literary world is one of the reasons why I’m metaphorically as bald as an egg; tearing out my hair has become … More The Many Species of Author Advice
The keen eyed among you may have noticed a certain erratic quality to this blog. It ebbs and flows like a confused tide, sometimes engulfing the land with a quick succession of articles; sometimes it goes all Southport and retreats to the sea, leaving people wondering if they’ll ever see anything again. I’m writing this … More Nothing
I don’t normally do this, get all self-indulgent with post after post about my work, but I had an idea today which I really need to pass by someone. I’m sitting in a cafe wracking my brains to come up with a query letter to literary agents and can’t get beyond the boring standard method … More Query letter sample
When I say scared I’m not talking about existential worries about global warming or being made redundant, valid as they are. No, I mean physical sensory fear when faced with the uncanny. Some people are not afraid of ghosts, but I once knew a person who couldn’t sleep at night because he was convinced his … More What Scares You?
I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s something going on, something almost beyond human comprehension, a situation so terrifying most people alive are not even aware it’s happening. And what makes it worse: it’s unavoidable. We’re all on this ride, part of this gig, and no matter what you imagine when you think of … More Eternity – The Reality
Do you remember your first proper job? Not the weekend stint in the cake shop, the first post-school full time gig? I remember mine. If you worked for Sherwood Flexibles in Salford between 1983 and 1986 you’d remember it too. (* For legal reasons I’ve changed the names of individuals!) My school exam results were … More My Very First Job
Sorry if you’ve clicked on this post expecting some advice. It’s really about the apparent uselessness of WordPress statistics other than acting as a flannel to massage our egos. Every day I look at my stats, not the bar chart that shows how many people have clicked the wrong link and ended up at my … More WordPress Stats
Men cannot multitask. Or so we’re told, but I have a simple method that allows me to multitask: I do one thing at a time. I call this serial multitasking, as opposed to parallel multitasking, which is what women do. (Allegedly.) But even I am starting to come unstuck. Serial multitasking has one fundamental flaw: … More Plate Spinning
I’ve been nominated for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award, which is handed out to generally good eggs and top folk who leave comments (not spam) on other people’s blogs. I was nominated by the angelic Princess Kick-ass who, to my knowledge has never held a six foot long machete and burst into a room calling people … More Dragon Award