I used to be snobbish about smartphone cameras, but not any more. The days of hauling 4kg of metal up a mountain are over. Advertisements
All self-published authors will know that a finished manuscript can’t be published until it’s been formatted. Simple, says the layperson, it’s the 21st Century. What could possibly go wrong?
I once abandoned a novel after running out of steam. It was 2002 or thereabouts and I never thought I’d write another one. Now, if I don’t write something every day I shake like a man totally wired on espresso.
Storm Brian battered Britain this weekend. I didn’t think Brian’s were capable of such fury, but it proves the Met Office are trying to con us into thinking that deadly storms are our benevolent friends.
The latest email scam is breathtakingly stupid, but still serves as a warning to read things carefully.
I occasionally like a bit of schlager. After a day of Children of Bodom, Xandria and Toten Herzen it’s nice to wind down to the likes of Dschinghis Khan.
What do you do when you’re flush with money from the sale of four ebooks (total royalties earned £5.12) and you’ve just finished the sixth novel of the TotenUniverse? You write a blog post.
Sorry there’s no big fancy title image or any of that flashy stuff, but in researching a blog post about WikiHow I came across this bit of advice: How do I make money in the crop growing or animal farming business? WikiHow answer: Grow fast growing plants or raise animals that produce a lot of … More Couldn’t resist this!
My totenherzen.com domain name was transferred to GoDaddy last year. I did it to avoid WordPress locking it into a premium upgrade when it was time to renew. Didn’t stop them putting a dirty grey filter screen over the blog though when the ‘remapping’ expired. Cheeky bastards.
Four comments waiting in my shit filter inbox on WordPress, and being the lonely sort I was so over the moon I had to share it with you all.
I must be bored because I’m about to write a post in response to another bit of spam. This time the spammer was moved to write after reading the post about Subbuteo, so I’m guessing this penniless nut is around about my age. Here’s the unwanted cack in full with some interventions:
On my list of regular blogs to visit is the one written by New Zealand historian Matthew Wright. His interests, however, don’t just lie in the past but the present and future too, mixing current science with science fiction. When his book of essays came out examining the curious side of quantum mechanics, Explaining Our … More Interview – Matthew Wright
Today should have been a happy day. A day of joy and celebration. So what’s stopping me from doing a jig?
This is what happens when you impose a moratorium on yourself. You end up sitting in a garden centre cafe with a laptop and nothing to write. I’ve just been making a list of things to do if I decide to extend the moratorium beyond twelve months. Give it up completely.
How many lead singers does a band need? One? Two? Amaranthe have got three. That’s what I call covering the bases. Three singers. A male rock, a female pop, and a sort of growly male death metal one just to make sure no one mistakes them for Lady Gaga teeming up with Linkin Park. (I … More You take three voices into the shower?
Untold riches await those who manage to get their book listed ‘perma-free’ on Amazon. But how does anyone find out?
There are men who can run as fast as gazelles and women who can dive to great depths holding their breath for up to twenty minutes. But one man from Bolton could defy gravity. Fred Dibnah.
I read news articles about AI threatening humanity and how we’ll all be eaten by robots and I scoff. I wasn’t not scoffing when that same AI came along and took a bite out of my arse.
Happy Christmas and all that.
Originally posted on TotenUniverse:
Most self-published authors will have encountered Smashwords’ notorious ‘meatgrinder,’ and few of them survive unscathed. They know what I’m talking about, but for those of you who haven’t come across this Gilliamesque monster, it’s the automated system Smashwords uses to convert uploaded files into various ebook formats. And it doesn’t work.…
Originally posted on Audrey Driscoll's Blog:
So many books… You know how it is — you read an ebook, think it’s pretty good, wonder if there’s a sequel. In a day or two, other books and life in general overlay the memory. Weeks later, something reminds you of that book. Now, what was the…
Why does a rubber rub out pencil? People are so nasty and horrible these days that if you ask a perfectly reasonable question they’ll say, ‘why don’t you google it, asshole.’ (It is possible to make these people look stupid by asking a rhetorical question…) Back in the day, when I were a lad, I … More Pencils, Rubbers et al
Back in September I reviewed Harry Whitewolf’s novel The Road to Purification, Hustlers Hassles and Hash. Author, poet and traveller, Whitewolf’s writing is a fusion of observation, fact and speculation. I asked Harry about his work, travelling, the number 11 and gn****.
One thing I don’t like is reading jokes. Gags on paper are never funny for me. Comedy literature is different, but reading ‘this fella went into a bar…’ never raises a smile. But I’m going to ignore my own rule with this post because there’s no other way of telling you the zombie joke. And … More Am I The Only One Who Thinks The Zombie Joke Is Funny?
Ha! Fooled you. Clickbait, you see. It’s what the private sector is good at: discovering ever more devious ways of diverting you away from what you want to what it wants. But I’m not here to bore you with pinko-commie anti-capitalist ranting. I want to examine more closely the often-heard assertion that the private sector … More Why The Private Sector Is Better
I love the supernatural, I love the unexplained, the paranormal, a good mystery. In the early 1980s, the perfect magazine was published. Called The Unexplained, it was all about the unexplained. It nearly scared me to death. Literally. The adverts started to appear on telly and I was soon hounding my parents to buy it. … More Spontaneous Human Combustion
The world does not need a five pound coin. It doesn’t need a commemorative silver guinea or a special three pound coin with the queen’s head on it. What the world needs is a 99p coin. (If you’re reading this blog in some other economic zone substitute pounds and pence with your own currency.)
In a remarkable act of corporate conjuring, Apple has succeeded in making its head office disappear. This raises serious issues for CEO Tim Cook: has his chair disappeared too? Has Tim Cook disappeared? Probably not because Apple have kicked up a fuss following the EU’s demands to pay back corporation tax owing to the Irish … More Emergency! The Head Office Has Vanished
A few weeks ago I came across a free copy of the Daily Star. For those higher mortals who don’t live in Britain, the Daily Star is a tabloid newspaper. Noted for its bums-and-boobs approach to journalism, the Daily Star makes the Sun look like the Encyclopedia Britannica. It’s a throwback to an age when … More I Read The Guardian, But I Don’t Know Why
They nip, bite, sting, burrow into the flesh, occupy our intestines and eat eyeballs. They spread diseases and those that don’t spread diseases carry the bacteria and viruses that do spread diseases. In short, they are an unecessary evolutionary sick joke. They weren’t created by a Creator, they were created by the Creator’s morbid teenage … More Who On Earth Thought Insects Were a Good Idea?