In Lancashire there is a popular garden centre and they regularly have job vacancies on the website. Let’s, for legal purposes, call them Horton Close Garden Centre.

On their website they describe what makes a good employee, what they call a ‘Horton Closer.’ But based on the details found on their website I think their job vacancy posts should be reworded as follows:

What makes a good Horton Closer?

You will provide a welcoming front to our visitors and customers. Nothing is too much to meet their requirements, you will go that extra mile to help them out. A Horton Closer will be enthusiastic and always turn up for work ready for any challenge. You’ll bring your enthusiasm with you every day, and no day will be a bad day, only one filled with opportunities. You’ll be constantly thinking of ways to improve business and constantly contributing to making our customer experience the best it can be.

Nothing is too much for a Horton Closer, no distance too great, no barrier too high. You will always aim to exceed everything that is expected of you.

In return, we will pay you the bare minimum we can legally get away. £6.70 / hour for your welcome, your enthusiasm and for always going that extra mile.

Do as much for us as you can and we’ll do as little for you as we’re allowed. After five years staff will be eligible for a subsidised operation to have a smile grafted permanently to the front of your face so that you look like the Joker.

Apply in the first instance to….

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12 thoughts on “A Typical Job Advert

  1. Being a keen gardener, and about to retire, I’ve contemplated possibly going to work for a similar business locally. In fact I did that decades ago while a university student. But I’m also something of a misanthrope, so figure I would not be a good “fit” for a retail job. Knowledge of plants fades as an asset if “people skills” are lacking. So I’ll be spending my time in my own garden and writing room (once I get said room set to rights; it’s been inhabited by a cat in recent months).

    Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I’ve been a “middle manager” for decades, and happy to be finished with that. Being responsible for other people can be wearing. As for the cat… well, she belongs to my mother, who is now in a nursing home. The cat is harmless, but the deposits of fur and the occasional puke are somewhat unpleasant. I plan to clean things up and work out a modus vivendi. I actually like cats, and am very fond of 18.5-year-old Zeke, who was present at the creation of all of my books. Then there’s The Dog (who is definitely barred from the writing room). Compromise is all.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Not just Horton Close, it’s widespread. Employers want more and more from us workers for little or no reward. It’s as though we have to be grateful they’ve taken us on at all in the first place. The stress I was under working for the NHS took all the joy out of the job, while staff left all around me and were not replaced, making those who were there have to work even harder. It sucked, so I left.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Because there’s hundreds of people going after the same job. Employers can cherry pick. This reminds me of John Steinbeck’s ‘The Grapes of Wrath’, where the same situation occurred, and workers were happy to be paid with food instead of money. Let’s hope we’re not on that downward slope to a burger at the end of the day and have to be grateful for it…

        Liked by 1 person

        • I didn’t see this comment because WordPress put you in the spam folder!!

          Yes, we are in an employer’s market and it does seem like the 19th Century when people turned up at the factory gates wondering if there was work to do that day. On Radio 4 the other week there was a businessman who wanted Britain to leave the EU, but freely admitted his workforce were EU migrants. Employers want their cake and eat it: best staff, lowest wages. The two don’t go together.

          Liked by 1 person

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