Helpful advice on SEO ranking

I keep getting some helpful advice from those nice people at SEO Rankings dot com. Now, I’m not the confrontational type and I know that all this SEO spam is automated and it’s a machine that sends it all out, so for the rest of you I thought I’d demonstrate why I don’t need help from SEO Rankings dot com.

Here’s their advice:

Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at.

All links have been removed because you don’t want help from these guys, and here’s the reason why.

Type Toten Herzen into Google and this is what you’ll find:


And if you type SEO Rankings into Google…


If anything I should be telling them how to achieve better search engine optimisation. Forget all your keywords, H tags and bold stuff in the opening paragraph. Choose a name no one else on Earth uses. Simple as that.

And now I’ll get back to some real work. Internet advice, eh. Bag ‘o shite.

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7 thoughts on “Helpful advice on SEO ranking

  1. Love the modified screenshots, Chris. It wasn’t until today that I realised there is in fact a gap in the market for search engine result commentary. I think you should fill this gap immediately. Only if you have the time, obviously, as writing books can eat up a few minutes a day. But still. People could send you the results of them googling themselves and you could provide personalised commentary for a small fee. Hey presto! New blog monetisation for the 2010s. You can thank me later.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As someone who is extremely proud of her similarly SEO-optimized Aurian and Jin, I know how you feel. It’s kind of amazing. People type in Aurian and Jin, and my links are, well, the ONLY links that pop up. Ooooo.


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