Raven Rants – guide to the British general election

raven-rantsWith only days to go Toten Herzen’s number one fangirl Raven (real name [REDACTED]) gives you a guide to the British general election.

I hate my life. And a lot of it is because of politicians meddling and scheming and turning everything upside down. But give them credit, every five years they let us decide which bunch of no hopers and losers can replace the last lot of no hopers and losers. Rob (Wallet), determined to stop me getting bored, suggested I write something to mobilise all the young people who never bother voting. Like I’m some kind of Bodecea [Edit: Boudicca! Rob]

So, here’s the main parties. I’ve not included the nutters except for UKIP.

Conservatives – They used to be the Nasty Party, which sounds like Nazi Party, but they’re not real nazis. Since they formed a coalition government they were forced to stop being nasty, but became sneaky instead.

But they have done some nice things since coming to power. They’ve created an economy in which people can get free food in food banks, and the government pays everyone’s wages now. Except they don’t call the payments wages, they call them working tax credits, but it amounts to the same thing. Employers don’t have to pay people anymore because everyone gets their wage paid through working tax credits.

There are a few exceptions though: poor people, single parents, disabled people, unemployed people, ethnic minorities, people who didn’t go to public school, people who don’t have posh names, people who aren’t aristocracy – they don’t get anything and usually die of starvation.

Vote Conservative if you’re posh/rich/think you’re posh and rich and don’t want to die of starvation.

Labour – The confused party who used to represent the working classes, but because there aren’t any working class people any more they had to become a slightly less conservative version of the Conservatives.

If you want to see a real Labour person knock on my mum and dads’ front door and wait for someone to answer. Look at the pain in me dad’s eyes when he talks about the good old days, the mass walkouts, the flying pickets, the Battle of Orgreave, Wapping. He’s a Trotskyist so the revolution can’t come quick enough, but the Labour party don’t want any of that so they do a sort of fake lefty thing where they babble on about social justice and then vote through the Bedroom Tax.

Vote Labour if you’re posh/rich, but feel guilty about being posh and rich.

[Edit: Christ, I wish I’d never asked. Rob]

Liberal Democrats – You can always spot a member of the Lib Dems at a party. They’re the first ones to join the Hokey Cokey. In, out, in, out, shake it all about. Whatever anyone else dreams up they come along with a more sensible version. A bit more left added to Tory ideas, a bit more right added to Labour ideas. They call themselves a centre party and there’s usually a fence down the centre of anything, so you can imagine where they sit.

They formed part of the coalition government with the Tories and acted as the shit filter. As Dee Vincent once said to Rob Wallet: ‘You know when the shit hits the fan? You’re the fan, Rob.’ So even though it was the Tory idea to reintroduce eugenics, the Lib Dems got tarred with the same brush. They want proportional representation, but no one understood the referendum question, so they lost. Which means the Lib Dems will never be in government again for a thousand years.

Vote Liberal Democrat if you think dithering is a virtue.

UKIP – They replaced the Monster Raving Loony Party as the alternative vote. (No change there then.) Like the other parties they’re full of crackpots and weirdos, but unlike the other parties have a tough time hiding them.

UKIP don’t want to be part of the European Union because it’s full of Germans and Italians and Poles and Lithuanians and immigrants. They’d rather be an independent sovereign island with closer ties to the US, a country founded in large part by German, Italian, Polish and Lithuanian immigrants. UKIP leader Nigel Farrage is married to a German but she doesn’t count as a foreigner because he had his fingers crossed at the wedding ceremony.

Vote UKIP if you’re frightened of being murdered in your bed by a mad Bulgarian.

Green Party – The Greens have done what the other parties would like to do and offer everyone free money if they vote Green. (Citizen’s Benefit or something.) Well, I’ll give everyone solid gold bars if they vote for me. [Edit: The Blue Party: slogan – working together to create a more miserable world. Rob]

The Greens don’t just want to plant trees everywhere they have policies on healthandeducation, welfare, defense, (someone once said their defense policy was to plant an enormous hedge round Britain’s coastline) and all the rest of it. They’re the utopian party and they won’t win because everyone treats the election like a horse race, voting for who they think will win, not who they want to win.

Vote Green Party if you care about the flowers, think rain is a sign of climate change and want some free money.

There’s a few other parties: DUP, SNP, Plaid Cymru but they’re only Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales, so if you live in Nottingham you can’t vote for them, but in a minority government they might make a difference between you surviving or starving to death.

So there you are. An accurate, objective guide to British politics. Can I have that choc bar now, Rob?

EDIT – note from Rob Wallet. Apologies to any staunch supporters of the above parties (except Tories). The author of this piece is going through that funny age, which accounts for the hair colour.

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