#Ten #SureFire Ways To #Promote #YourNovel

Not all these tips are appropriate for every author. You need to pick the ones you think will work for you. Note: the author accepts no responsibility for any injury or embarrassment sustained in the course of following this advice.


1 QR codes

pros – They’re mysterious and people love a mystery. ‘Ooh, where does this QR code point me to?’ For effective and permanent exposure tattoo the QR code to your forehead

cons – not everyone has a QR code reader on their gadget, and if the URL changes you’re stuck with an unsightly scar on your head

2 Guerilla marketing Xtreme (eg causing serious social disorder)

pros – the amount of international publicity will catapult you onto every bestseller list on the planet

cons – at best, you’ll be bound over to keep the peace, at worst you will spend the rest of your days in Guantanamo Bay

3 Decorate your car

pros – constant exposure and no need for planning permission because the advert is deemed ‘temporary.’

cons – the car must match the novel. Driving round in a Toyota Prius advertising ‘Day of the Dismembered’ is tantamount to mixing your metaphors

4 Fight in a war then come back and write all about it

pros – there are increasing opportunities on every continent, so there’s bound to be a war near you

cons – you might not come back to write about it and there’s no guarantee anyone else will write it for you

5 Whisper the book title quietly in someone’s ear

pros – no one can accuse you of being that gobby loudmouth who never stops banging on about their book, and in the right mood lighting it can be very seductive. Good for romances

cons – in some parts of the UK there are bylaws that prohibit whispering to strangers.

6 Attach the book’s URL to a rat*

pros – anecdotal evidence says you are never more than six metres from a rat

cons – very few people have ever seen a rat in the wild

*Alternatively, attach the URL to a rat catcher.

7 – Sell your soul to the Devil

pros – guaranteed success (in spite of what the Pope says, the Devil does keep his side of the bargain), and there is a large collection of accounts from folklore on how to get out of the deal before you die

cons – if you don’t get out of the deal before you die you’re a bit stuck. And the price of souls has plunged following an increase in the number of investment bankers dying in the fiscal year 2013-2014 (souls currently trading at $4.77)

8 – Change your name to that of the book

pros – your book title will become ubiquitous and spoken out loud every time someone calls your name or speaks to you

cons – could be socially awkward if you write erotic fiction, problematic when you write your next novel unless you use a double-barrelled surname eg Ms BoundByAStranger NightEncounters-BlackBookofSeduction

9 – Fake your own death

pros – post-death sales always experience a spike, disappearing effectively will require hiding on a paradise island somewhere

cons – the paradise island might be next door to Necker Island, if you come back from the dead you will be ostracised unless your name is Jesus

10 – All of the above

pros – will make you one of the most high-profile newsworthy individuals in the manner of Jim Morrison, Elvis Presley, Jungly Barry (aka Lord Lucas). . . .

cons – if number 9 goes wrong you’ll be one of the most high-profile newsworthy individuals in the manner of Janis Joplin, John Bonham, Dr Faust. . . .

Do you have any other suggestions? Leave a comment and tell us.

(Featured image by ‘Images of Money’)

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6 thoughts on “#Ten #SureFire Ways To #Promote #YourNovel

  1. Okay, the fake-your-own-death point got me laughing and I haven’t been able to stop. What about painting the title to your book on the back of a bus, hoping none of the Transit Authority catches you, of course. The con to that is you’ll get your hands wet with paint leading investigators directly to the evidence that you did it!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Brilliant. Love 6 and 7 best. But all of them, really. Could you maybe set up an online consultancy and undertake these efforts on our behalf? I could have a contract drawn up by the morning, and delivered by rat-catcher?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I suppose one should live by the same advice we give to others, so I’ll make a start (tomorrow, or maybe the day after.)

      For the guerilla marketing thing I was going to disguise myself as Malcom X and stand outside Abercrombie and Fitch for an afternoon.


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