Another day another queue of spam comments to delete. But wait . . . today is different. Today:
I HAVE HAD A REVELATION!
I’ve suddenly realised the weird links, the gobbledygook, the dodgy looking articles and web pages mentioned by the spammers are not spam; they’re messages from the Devil.
Take this one for example:
‘375RdX zisokuiqaobb, //smwsvgbtimnp.com/]smwsvgbtimnp, //cfzmwtgndyga.com/]cfzmwtgndyga, //vfpydvbxeptq.com/’
They look like links, but they don’t go anywhere. Broken links, server not found messages. Dead ends. The message must be in the letters, not the link.
Over the weekend I travelled to Tibet to see if anyone there possessed the ancient wisdom necessary to decipher the ciphers, but everyone was under house arrest, so they couldn’t meet me. Undeterred, I moved on to Nepal, but they were all out cleaning up the base camp around Everest. It was a wasted journey and my demonic cipher was still untranslated.
On the plane home I checked one of the other messages in the spam list:
‘at their 3 dollars an quart aside, doing it another 39 money I helping once i repair shop. I realise that doesn are similar to a lot, but in the case I cramm our own vehicles 26 durations each and every year (each and every week), every year I unspent $10.14. That ten ponds goes to me exclusively for goods at an outlet that comes with the best prices for a start,’
As you can see, it makes no grammatical or logical sense whatsoever, but it isn’t meant to make sense. I extracted the numbers. . . .
3, 39, 26, 10.14 (I made a mental note to watch for these numbers on the National Lottery when I returned to England.) My book on Medieval Numerology, Numenicus Diabolicum Treatise, by Roger of Nantwich, told me that the numbers had real significance.
3 – the Holy Trinity
39 – the number of the Holy Trinity cursed by multiplying it thirteen times
26 – thirteen multiplied by the duality of yin and yang; another disturbance of order
10.14 – trickier one to understand, but with a bit of calculating I discovered the height of the great pyramid at Giza, divided by the square of the side, and get this, divided by thirteen, came to 10.14 exactly.
The message was a coded way of disturbing cosmic order. There could only be one conclusion. It was another message from the Devil.
When I arrived back in England, I felt like I had touched down in a foreign land, a parallel universe in which I was surrounded by evil. The bus numbers, the road numbers – I made a point of avoiding the A13 between South Benfleet and Shoeburyness – even the page numbers in the Financial Times took on a symbolic dread when I contemplated the possibility of a correlation between news stories and the page number on which they were printed.
I was driven insane. Like Jim Carrey in The Number 23 I scribbled numbers down every time I saw a link, made a connection. Got the message. They were everywhere; the messages, not the numbers. The price of a cup of tea: £1.75 (1+7+5=13). The tea was possessed. I stopped for petrol and in my vacent gaze let the pump go over the limit. Instead of £10 I had inadvertently spent £10.03 (10+0+3=13) The petrol was evil. And in the Co-Op minimarket, my crisps, biscuits and large bar of Galaxy came to £6.66.
Today, I received another spam comment, but I recognise them now for what they really are. The comment said:
‘It’s appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy.
I have read this post and if I could I want to suggest you some
interesting things or advice. Perhaps you can write next articles referring to
this article. I desire to read more things about it!’
The comment contained a link to some article on Tiger Woods, but I bet if I use numerology on the name Tiger Woods I’ll receive the true intentions of the commenter and the wiles of the evil one. The first sentence of the message is loaded with menace. ‘appropriate time to make some plans for the future. . . .’ The end of the world?
Who would have thought, in the 21st Century, the Devil is using spam to destroy mankind.